Cheating

The whole cheating scenario is always going to hurt me more than a usual person. I feel like every relationship I've ever seen, and every relationship I've ever experienced has ended in cheating. It's ended in me not being good enough. Thats why his cheating hurts so much. It confirms all my fears that I'll never be good enough. It confirms all my fears that I'm someone people will get bored of, I don't provide the thrill or the excitement even after 6 years. It's something that I'm really going to struggle to get over, and struggle to have trust in relationships going forward.
But..
then I feel awful about being bad about the cheating - because I've done it. And I've done it with more people. For example, that night if I would have had the chance I would have slept wth Andrew. 100 and 10%. Which is so wrong. I'm always looking for reaffirmation that someone likes me. Whilst I complain and get upset that Lloyds bored with me. It's me thats bored with everything. Im always looking for something exciting or something new elsewheree. WHilst being with Lloyd, the times with Andy that I had were something I looked forward to. They were something that I thought about whilst I was on my own. I pictured being a part of his family, attending the family gatherings and cwthed up on his sofa with the puppy. Any girl he told me about I got so jealous. How ridiculous is that? The amount of times I cried about how I was done with Lloyd, how I wasn't happy. And now scenarios have switched.. I'm still not happy. It's like all I want is what I can't have. The minute the thought of Lloyd and I being together has been taken away from me.. the more I want it. The sex was amazing for the 3 days that I saw him. Why wasn't it like that when we were togehter? Still in those 3 days he couldn't compliment me. He didn't speak ... all the things that did my head in/ All the things that put me off him before. Yet now aall I want is him. I want his validation. I want him to want me.
I a ppreciate things weren't good with Lloyd and I. We weren't in an adult relationship, it was very boring and very childish. He definitely didn't appreciate me or treat me how I wanted to be treated. Yet, know all I want is to be back with him. It was comfort, it was habit, it was easy.And this new world without him is really really scary. And horrible. And lonely.
Yet, I now realise I needed this time alone. I need to do a lot of growing up, I need to doa  lot of learning who I am. I need to be ok on my own. I need to not crave attention. I need to be happy. I realise now that things in my relationship were equally to blame on btoh our parts and I don't want to get back with him or get with anyone else untill I have a lot of things sorted. The next time I'm with someone (whoever that is) I need to be calm and confident in who I am and what I deserve. I need to not be looking for validation elsewhere.. I need to be commited and I need to make it work.
Otherwise, I will never be happy in any relationship. I will never be hapily married or happy with kids. The problem is me and I need to just breathe, take time alone and work on myself.
Everything happens for a reason.