Its All My Fault.

The last few years have been a hard few years when it comes to my mental health. Every time I have a good day, every day I feel like I've turned a corner with it I come crashing down worse than ever. I've wrote multiple blog posts over the years, each more depressing than the last and each so child like and infantile.How do I not feel better 6 years later? How do I hate myself more than ever before.
I blame my surroundings, I blame Lloyd, I blame my family, I basically blame everyone except for the person whos fault it truely is .. my own. I expect everything to be picture perfect and I expect my mood to be on top of the world 24/7 when thats just not realistic. Then I end up beating myself up even more than I don't feel that way. I'm blaming Lloyd for me being sad, when no one else and no situation can be truely in control of your happiness, it has to come from within.
I need to be ok with myself, have my own hobbies, interests and life out of the relationship, feel secure in myself out of the relationship - before it's ever going to work and ever going to progress.
There's a lot of areas in my life that need work and instead of blaming everything and festering and being sad for attention I'm going to work on it and better myself.
 Going to break it down to categories of specific areas I'm going to work on, and then report back how everything is going. :)

Uni 
With uni I'm a bit halfarsed about it to be honest.  I've never really felt like I'm good enough to be there and that's resulted in me being very very average in the year. Thats fine but I do need to work a bit harder. I've got so many days off uni this year and I'm just watching stupid netflix and not learning anything or progressing.
Mind change - do at least an hour of work on days off where I've got nothing planned. Whether that be case reports or just revision. Just need to do something. Also, make sure I go to everything - no matter what shitty mood I'm in I need to whack a smile and show up. 


Friends 
I never seem to really enjoy myself with my friends. Even when I think I do I'm always looking for the next best thing - the next bit of excitment, the next bit of attention. I'll be on a night out and constantly on my phone , hoping for a snapchat from andy or hoping  for attention off some random lad. Im looking on social media and seeing what everyone else is doing and getting FOMO when it's just pointless and stupid. Also on nights out I'm getting paraletically drunk - making an absolute mong of myself and hurting the people around me. Being mean to Lloyd and thats not on.
Mind change - be present. When I'm out with my friends put the phone away. Make time for my friends - don't cancel on them just to get hung up on Lloyd. When I'm on a night out - dont snapchat/text/ring Andy*** It's just making an absolute twat of myself and ruining our friendship and being so embarassing. Enjoy the night out, drink, dance , talk to people but dont slutty dance, dont flirt. dont text lloyd horrible things, just PUT THE PHONE AWAY ON A NIGHT OUT!!! 


Lloyd
Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd - I don't even know where to start is this. Being with him is bringing out all my horrible qualities and the more time I spend with him the more horrible I am. So insecure, so paranoid, so slutty. To be honest being with him is making me so sad and I think that's whats really sparking off everything else. Im a horrible horrible girlfriend and it's breaking me down even more. We can't break up and we cna't move out untill at least June. If it keeps going like this and feeling like that, then I'm going to snap and im going to break. I need to just be nice with him, improve as a girlfreidn and work on myself and on my qualities as a girlfriend. 
Mind change - don't keep thinking about the past. I've been shit, I really have but obsessing over it and going back over it and it's just bringing me down. 
Be nice, don't shout, don't be a bitch, 
don't imagine arguements in my head, 
don't say anything bad about him to anyone else, 
Don't be depressing with him - he doesn't deserve someone bringing him down all the time. 
Don't expect anything - you'll only be disappointed.
Don't think too much about the future, you can't plan anything.